The Cycle of Guilt and Self-Blame: What’s Really Going On 🔄
The Cycle of Guilt and Self-Blame: What’s Really Going On
If there’s one emotion that seems to follow my daughter everywhere, it’s guilt.
Guilt for saying no.
Guilt for struggling.
Guilt for not being able to do what others find easy.
Even guilt for feeling guilty.
It’s like a loop she can’t escape from and for many young adults living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Complex PTSD, this cycle of guilt and self-blame is painfully common.
Why guilt is the “default setting”
For someone with emotional dysregulation, guilt isn’t just a passing feeling. It’s a deeply ingrained belief that they are somehow bad, wrong, or not enough. Often this comes from years of rejection, criticism, or trauma, where they’ve internalised the idea that everything is their fault.
So when something goes wrong or even when nothing has, the guilt rushes in.
The spiral of self-blame
Here’s how the cycle usually unfolds:
Something happens — it could be small, like forgetting a chore, or big, like deciding not to travel.
Instant guilt — “I’ve ruined everything.”
Self-blame — “I’m useless. I can’t do anything right.”
Low self-esteem — “Everyone would be better off without me.”
Dangerous thoughts — self-harm or suicidal ideation as a way of punishing themselves.
From the outside, it looks extreme. From the inside, it feels like the only truth they know.
Why “don’t feel guilty” doesn’t work
It’s tempting to reassure with: “You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about.” But to someone deep in that cycle, those words don’t land. In fact, they can feel like dismissal, another sign that they’re misunderstood.
Instead, what they need is validation.
How parents can respond
Acknowledge it — “I can see you’re feeling guilty, that must feel really heavy.”
Separate feelings from facts — “You feel like you’ve ruined everything, but that doesn’t mean you have.”
Offer compassion — remind them they are human, not perfect, and that struggling doesn’t make them bad.
Gently interrupt the spiral — suggest a grounding activity, a walk, or a distraction that gives their brain a pause.
The bigger picture
Guilt may always be part of the picture, but by responding with calm empathy instead of quick fixes, we can help shift the cycle. Over time, those small moments of validation build up and start to challenge the deep belief of “I am to blame.”
And perhaps, little by little, guilt loses its grip.
Your Calm in the Chaos,
Sami xx
